📩 The problem with rushing to the point: Email Redo #1

Today, we're breaking down an email that's technically "good" but missing massive opportunities to connect and convert.

(And MANY biz owners I know do this when they write their emails) So pay close attention… and stop doing this… OR ELSE…

JK I won’t fight you, but I will be disappointed in you 😪

So don’t disappoint me and avoid this email writing mistake at all costs.

👎 The “Bad” Email (ORIGINAL) 👎

Subject: 4 Ways to Get Clients Online - Only 1 Actually Works

When it comes to getting clients online, there are 4 main methods that work. But here's the thing—3 of them are expensive, exhausting, or downright scammy. And the 4th? Well, it's the one I teach because it actually works.

Lemme break down the 4 ways to get clients online:

THROUGH REFERRALS 

Sounds great in theory—clients recommend you to their friends, and BOOM, new leads. Except… You can't predict or control how often people recommend you. Once you've worked through your initial wave of clients, you're stuck waiting for referrals to trickle in. Relying on this alone leaves your business feeling unpredictable (and stressful).

THROUGH ADS 

Throw money at ads, and clients roll in, right? Not so fast. The truth is, if you don't have a PERFECT funnel or an incredible ads strategy, you're just setting yourself up to burn cash FAST. Been there, done that – I personally wasted $20,000 trying to run ads as a fitness coach because I didn't know what I was doing. If you're starting out, ads are more likely to burn your wallet than bring in clients.

THROUGH COLD DM OUTREACH 

Ah, the infamous "cold DM" method – where you send 100+ messages a day to total strangers on Instagram, hoping one of them will bite. Sure, it works sometimes—but at what cost? It's spammy, scammy, and feels gross to both you and the person on the other end. Even if you do get a "yes," what kind of client are you attracting with a message that starts with, "Hey, have you ever thought about online coaching?"

Oh, and 95% of $10k business coaching programs will try to teach you just this. No thanks.

THROUGH ORGANIC ATTRACTION MARKETING (AKA the ABC method) 

AKA: Making content that reflects your expertise, gets the attention of your dream client + CONVERTS It's a method that's not only effective but also is: Free - just costs you your time + brain power Aligned with your values. A way to make an impact through what you share. Designed to bring in high-quality clients who get your vibe.

This is the method I teach in ABC because it's scalable, sustainable, and, most importantly, authentic.

If you've been spinning your wheels with unreliable or cringe-worthy strategies, it's time for something better. Apply for ABC now to lock in 5 bonuses, and let's get you attracting clients the right way. The days of chasing clients are over. Let's build a business where they come to you.

-Jane Doe

❌ Why This Email Fails ❌

This email isn't actually "bad" in the traditional sense. The content is solid. The arguments are logical. The benefits are clear.

But it commits the cardinal sin of email marketing: it rushes to the point.

And there’s something you should know … the most powerful emails don't immediately reveal their hand. 

They create an "open loop" - unresolved tension that makes readers need to continue reading.

Think about your favorite TV shows. They don't start each episode by telling you exactly what will happen. They tease you, build suspense, and keep you wondering what comes next.

This email does the opposite. It immediately tells you there are 4 methods to get clients online, then proceeds to list them all out. No suspense. No story. No emotional hook.

It's like someone spoiling the ending of a movie right before you watch it.

👨‍💻 How I’d Rewrite It 👨‍💻

Subject: The $20,000 mistake that changed everything

I still remember the exact moment I realized I'd been duped.

Sitting at my kitchen table at 2 AM, staring at my ad account balance: $0.00

$20,000 gone. Four months of savings evaporated.

And not a single client to show for it.

The "foolproof" Facebook ads strategy that was supposed to flood my fitness coaching business with dream clients had done nothing but drain my bank account and crush my confidence.

I closed my laptop and made myself a promise:

"There has to be a better way to get clients online. And I'm going to find it."

That night was the beginning of a journey that would transform not just my business, but how I viewed client acquisition entirely.

I spent the next year obsessively testing every client-getting method the experts swore by. What I discovered shocked me.

Of the four primary ways most coaches try to get clients online, three of them are fundamentally broken:

Method #1 seemed perfect at first: Referrals.

Past clients recommending you to their friends? What could be more authentic?

The problem? You can't control when – or if – those referrals actually come in. After my first wave of clients completed their programs, I found myself in the dreaded "feast or famine" cycle, desperately hoping someone would mention my name to a friend.

Method #2 was my $20,000 lesson: Paid Advertising.

The gurus make it sound so easy. "Just run some Facebook ads to a webinar and watch the clients roll in!"

What they don't tell you is that without a perfect funnel, flawless messaging, and months of testing, you're essentially throwing money into a black hole. Unless you have deep pockets and incredible patience, this approach is a minefield for new coaches.

Method #3 made me question everything: Cold DM Outreach.

You know the approach – sending hundreds of cookie-cutter messages to strangers, pretending you "noticed something special" about them. Not only does it feel sleazy to send, but the clients you attract this way are often the wrong fit, attracted by false promises or desperate for discounts.

(And yet, shockingly, 95% of high-ticket coaching programs teach exactly this approach!)

But then I discovered a fourth method. One that doesn't require you to burn through your savings, send cringy messages to strangers, or wait helplessly for referrals to trickle in.

I call it the Organic Attraction Marketing method (or the ABC method, for those in the know).

Using this approach, I went from zero clients to a consistent $15K months within 90 days – without spending a penny on ads or sending a single cold DM.

Even better? The clients who came to me were already sold on working together before we ever spoke. No convincing. No hard selling. Just aligned conversations with people who already valued what I offered.

This method is: 

• Free (just costs your time and creativity) 

• Completely aligned with your values (no sleazy tactics)

 • A way to make a genuine impact through your content 

• Designed to attract high-quality clients who already resonate with your approach

This is exactly what I teach inside ABC – my comprehensive program that shows coaches how to build a sustainable client attraction system that brings qualified leads to your door, ready to work with you.

If you're tired of chasing clients and ready to become the obvious choice in your niche, I've opened a limited number of application spots for ABC this week.

The first 10 people to apply will also receive my 5-part "Client Attraction Content Bundle" ($497 value) completely free.

[APPLY FOR ABC NOW]

The days of chasing clients are over. Let's build a business where they come to you.

To your success,

Jane

P.S. If you've been feeling the exhaustion of constant outreach or the disappointment of marketing methods that don't deliver, this approach will feel like a breath of fresh air. Apply here to see if ABC is right for you.

✅ Why This Version Works Better ✅

The revised email follows all five levers from the framework:

1. Story-Based Subject Line: "The $20,000 mistake that changed everything" immediately creates curiosity. What mistake? How did it change things? The reader has to open the email to find out.
   

2. The "Open Loop" Intro: Starting with the 2 AM moment of realization creates immediate tension. The reader wants to know what happened next, which pulls them through the email.
   

3. Story-Based Email Body: Using a personal narrative about wasting $20,000 on ads creates emotional connection and credibility before presenting the solution.
   

4. The Seamless Transition: The email naturally flows from the problems with the first three methods to introducing the ABC method as the solution that changed everything.
   

5. The Direct Call-To-Action: Clear instructions on what to do next (apply for ABC) with added urgency through the limited-time bonus.

   📝 What This Means For Your Emails 📝

Next time you sit down to write an email, resist the urge to get straight to the point. Instead, try these practical steps:

1. Start with a moment, not a message: Begin with a specific scene or memory that triggers emotion. Notice how the rewritten email starts with "sitting at my kitchen table at 2 AM" - this instantly creates a visual and emotional connection.
   

2. Hide your bullet points: If your email contains a list of benefits or features (like the original email's 4 methods), don't reveal them immediately. Create curiosity first, then reveal each point as part of a larger narrative.
   

3. Mine your failures: Your biggest mistakes often make the best email stories. What $20,000 mistake (literal or figurative) have you made in your business? These vulnerable admissions create instant trust and relatability.
   

4. Create micro-cliffhangers: End paragraphs with a hint of what's coming next. Notice how sentences like "What I discovered shocked me" keep readers moving through the email.
   

5. Add sensory details: Specific details like "staring at my ad account balance: $0.00" create visceral reactions that generic statements never will. Include what you saw, felt, heard, or thought in key moments.

For your next email, try this exercise: Write your normal email as you always would.

Then, before sending, identify the main point and bury it at least 30% of the way into the email. Replace your straightforward opening with a story that creates emotional investment in the solution you're about to present.

Remember, people make buying decisions based on emotion first, then justify with logic. When you lead with story, you're speaking directly to the emotional brain that actually makes the purchase decision.

Want to suggest an email for me to "redo" in a future issue? Just reply with "I have an email for you" and I'll follow up.

To higher conversions,

-Adrian

PS: Want to learn how to high converting emails like the one I just wrote here… but with AI? And do it in a way that sounds so much like you it’s almost scary?
If yes, go HERE right this second.